Alright, so school is about to start and that means that I'm going to be a lot more structured. Because of that, I want to use this blog to showcase finished short stories and drawings that I am working on and hope to incorporate into a freelance portfolio (no, I have no idea what I'm doing). I figure that this is a great chance to learn more about socializing and sharing my passion with the world, and having a rule of "polished pieces only" gives me more accountability. At this point I have links to my amateur pieces and am sketching out a novel I want to write, and I'm exploring my cartooning more frequently, so updates on this blog will be sporadic, but I promise they will be good (and if you don't think they are, the next week they will be! :) ).
For readers who have been following me thus far, thank you. For future readers, welcome to a Torrential Memory. And for everyone, I hope you have a good day! :)
17 August 2011
07 August 2011
It's a Walk in the Park, Not a Race to the Altar
It's been a while since I've written about my (mis)adventures in the world of dating. This has been due mostly to the fact that some of my dates find this blog and then get a bit titchy just because they think they have been mentioned in a post, when in actuality they have been dramatized for entertainment purposes (you would think they could spot the difference, but we humans are vain like that).
A whole month has passed since I started hanging out with/dating a new guy, and this has been a major part of why I have been MIA around this blog. The other reason has to do with simply being tired from working and trying to get ready for classes this August, but that's hardly as interesting as very nearly being engaged in the first few hours of meeting someone new.
You see, in the area I live, marrying and settling down is more than a rite of passage. For a lot of people around here, marriage is THE life objective. Screw getting a career, applying yourself to solving social/global problems, or even just earning a lot of money. No. Around here, the most important thing you can do is meet Mr/Ms Right, settle down, and start pumping out human units. This is held to be the holy charge, and I thought that by me being a 'Mo I would be able to escape this mentality.
Enter new guy. He's sweet. He's cute. He's trying to get his life in order. And he opened up our lovely story of dating with the line "I'm looking for someone to settle down with". It wasn't anything like "Your eyes are amazing" or "I admire you for being able to synthesize complex thoughts in your head", no. It was a heavy dose of "If you like it you shoulda put a ring on it", which, for the past month, has been mostly ignored as I negotiated the complexities of keeping a guy interested without moving too quickly toward something a tad too committed.
Don't get me wrong. I really do like this guy. Being around him has made me think about things that I hadn't considered in years (like how much I actually do want to be around any boyfriend/husband figure), and the more that I get to know him the more I find myself becoming someone I thought I would never become: a domesticated partner.
Yeah, I always thought I would be alone, so I never really stopped to consider what kind of day to day I would enjoy sharing with someone. Over the past month though, this guy has jumped in to help me cook and clean, we've explored parts of Arkansas that others have never explored with me, and, most importantly, he and my best friend/roommate have started forming their own friendship. A few weeks ago the three of us spent the day cooking, listening to music, and making friendship bracelets, and about five hours into the day it hit me: this is something I want.
You see, I have spent the last three years thinking that I was looking for someone who fit all these criteria that I had written down on my "Rules of Dating Raijen" list. Being around this new guy has opened my eyes to the fact that I really did not completely know what I wanted. It happens. We get fixated on these ideas of who we are and what we want, illusions of desire, and then we meet people who make us reconsider and consider for the first time those little things that we love. Like how he takes my plate to the kitchen after we are done eating or holds my hand while I'm driving.
These are little things, yes, but they are part of walking through the park of life, getting to know someone as the two of you meander your way toward either lifelong friendship, the altar, both, or something else. They are the things that we don't really stop to think about, but when they happen we instantly know how important they are. Something in our spirit starts running ninety to nothing because we realize how much we enjoy being respected and adored.
Of course, there are always those pesky negatives to consider, those darker possibilities that scare us away and keep us sober in our views. That's how it's supposed to be. There has to be some thorns and brambles to snag the wedding dress in case a mad dash is attempted. What started for me as mild interest has gradually grown and now I find myself missing his presence when we are apart, something that has never happened to me before. As you amble along the path and things come to light, you start seeing what kind of person the other guy is, and where usually I become disillusioned with men, this one has a certain spark that catches my eye.
This isn't to say that wedding bells are in the near future, no. Even though he was chomping at the bit at first, we have talked it over and come to the conclusion that if we are "meant to be together", there isn't any reason to rush to the end of the dating phase. If we are "meant to be" then we will be together, and any time before that will be icing on the cake. This kind of view is far different than the compulsive marrying mindset around here, but so far it has proven to be a great method, allowing for consideration and appreciation of the other person. Who knows? It might even be the "proper" thing to do, one of those things that, if others did it, might decrease the divorce rate.
But I don't know. I can't see the future, only make my way towards it, and right now the possibilities are looking better and better. Let's just hope that he doesn't break into a gallop toward the wedding cake; I'm still not sure that I want to be chained to anyone just yet.
A whole month has passed since I started hanging out with/dating a new guy, and this has been a major part of why I have been MIA around this blog. The other reason has to do with simply being tired from working and trying to get ready for classes this August, but that's hardly as interesting as very nearly being engaged in the first few hours of meeting someone new.
You see, in the area I live, marrying and settling down is more than a rite of passage. For a lot of people around here, marriage is THE life objective. Screw getting a career, applying yourself to solving social/global problems, or even just earning a lot of money. No. Around here, the most important thing you can do is meet Mr/Ms Right, settle down, and start pumping out human units. This is held to be the holy charge, and I thought that by me being a 'Mo I would be able to escape this mentality.
Enter new guy. He's sweet. He's cute. He's trying to get his life in order. And he opened up our lovely story of dating with the line "I'm looking for someone to settle down with". It wasn't anything like "Your eyes are amazing" or "I admire you for being able to synthesize complex thoughts in your head", no. It was a heavy dose of "If you like it you shoulda put a ring on it", which, for the past month, has been mostly ignored as I negotiated the complexities of keeping a guy interested without moving too quickly toward something a tad too committed.
Don't get me wrong. I really do like this guy. Being around him has made me think about things that I hadn't considered in years (like how much I actually do want to be around any boyfriend/husband figure), and the more that I get to know him the more I find myself becoming someone I thought I would never become: a domesticated partner.
Yeah, I always thought I would be alone, so I never really stopped to consider what kind of day to day I would enjoy sharing with someone. Over the past month though, this guy has jumped in to help me cook and clean, we've explored parts of Arkansas that others have never explored with me, and, most importantly, he and my best friend/roommate have started forming their own friendship. A few weeks ago the three of us spent the day cooking, listening to music, and making friendship bracelets, and about five hours into the day it hit me: this is something I want.
You see, I have spent the last three years thinking that I was looking for someone who fit all these criteria that I had written down on my "Rules of Dating Raijen" list. Being around this new guy has opened my eyes to the fact that I really did not completely know what I wanted. It happens. We get fixated on these ideas of who we are and what we want, illusions of desire, and then we meet people who make us reconsider and consider for the first time those little things that we love. Like how he takes my plate to the kitchen after we are done eating or holds my hand while I'm driving.
These are little things, yes, but they are part of walking through the park of life, getting to know someone as the two of you meander your way toward either lifelong friendship, the altar, both, or something else. They are the things that we don't really stop to think about, but when they happen we instantly know how important they are. Something in our spirit starts running ninety to nothing because we realize how much we enjoy being respected and adored.
Of course, there are always those pesky negatives to consider, those darker possibilities that scare us away and keep us sober in our views. That's how it's supposed to be. There has to be some thorns and brambles to snag the wedding dress in case a mad dash is attempted. What started for me as mild interest has gradually grown and now I find myself missing his presence when we are apart, something that has never happened to me before. As you amble along the path and things come to light, you start seeing what kind of person the other guy is, and where usually I become disillusioned with men, this one has a certain spark that catches my eye.
This isn't to say that wedding bells are in the near future, no. Even though he was chomping at the bit at first, we have talked it over and come to the conclusion that if we are "meant to be together", there isn't any reason to rush to the end of the dating phase. If we are "meant to be" then we will be together, and any time before that will be icing on the cake. This kind of view is far different than the compulsive marrying mindset around here, but so far it has proven to be a great method, allowing for consideration and appreciation of the other person. Who knows? It might even be the "proper" thing to do, one of those things that, if others did it, might decrease the divorce rate.
But I don't know. I can't see the future, only make my way towards it, and right now the possibilities are looking better and better. Let's just hope that he doesn't break into a gallop toward the wedding cake; I'm still not sure that I want to be chained to anyone just yet.
22 June 2011
Illusions
Time for something kinda personal, written in the hope that someone will find something useful in it to apply to their own life.
I've taken the MBTI at Humanmetrics several times over the past seven years, and every time I end up being an INTJ (if you want to know what that is, click here). The only thing that's really important from this data is that I have an iNtuitive mode of relating to the world. In other words, I "see" connections and relationships very easily, and imagination is my strongest asset.
But the downside to this is that it's very easy for me to get caught by what I call "illusions". These are the thoughts that infect my mind for stretches of time, images of something going wrong with the car or at work causing my gut to squirm in nervousness. Sometimes they are more positive illusions (such as the thought "oh, he's cute and he likes me! If I do A, B, and C we'll live happily ever after), and sometimes they are neutral (if I finish my degree, I'll suddenly know what I want to do with my life!).
But... the thing about "illusions" are that they are intangible. They disrupt the serenity I so wildly hold on to, the tranquility I need to soothe the spastic gut and fall asleep at night. These illusions end up becoming fixations for my mind, and since I'm constantly bounding from one idea to the next related idea, the emotions associated with the ideas that I'm fixating on have a big effect on me and my interactions with the world around me.
So after twenty-three years of going through these seemingly infinite cycles, my brain has decided that it's going to learn how to slip out of the snares that these illusions create. The last few days has been an experience in letting go of the illusions.
Yes, that's right: I think that one of the ways we grow as people is to learn to let go of the illusions, of the "hopes" that we cling to and work toward with our daily existences.
No, I'm not saying that we should quit caring, that we should just give up. That won't do anything but keep us stagnant and eventually kill us. The only constant in life is change, so learning to let go of our illusions is better understood to mean "learning to change with the circumstances". Being flexible, adaptable, open to evolution in thoughts and behaviours; in other words, going with the flow.
So what are some ways that we can let go of the false hopes that keep us tied down and stressed out?
Well, the first one (and easiest one) is to set aside time out of every day to just do something fun, something that has no direct practical value. Go for a fifteen minute stroll. Doodle a cartoon or picture. Write a letter to someone you value but with whom you don't get to spend much time.
Another thing is to try to periodically take out a day here and there to turn off the phone, the computer, the television, and just spend the day doing absolutely nothing except what you feel inspired to do. Again, just be in the moment. Don't worry about scheduling "chores" or "errands" to do on your free day (that's what the rest of the week is for!). Just relax and give your mind the chance to digest all the information that's been bombarding it since the last time you just vegged out on the beach.
These things are NOT magic bullets. In themselves, they hold no power for making your life drastically better, because getting yourself out of the trap of illusions isn't some hocus-pocus, "drink this potion to restore health" type things. Hoping, clinging to illusions, is a mental habit, and like all habits, it takes time, dedication, and perseverance to alter them.
That's what the above techniques are for: they allow a space in which your brain can step back and figure things out for itself, without your intervention and demands. I don't know exactly what happens in the back rooms of the mind, but somehow, drawing a flower or taking a nap on a sunny afternoon, cooking your favorite meal for yourself or just enjoying a cup of tea allows fresh air into those musty places we rarely visit, and this breath of life allows the brain to sort through those things that make us suffer in our daily lives.
I hope that the lovely readers find something of value in here, and if not, at least some confirmation that yes, you are on the right path.
I've taken the MBTI at Humanmetrics several times over the past seven years, and every time I end up being an INTJ (if you want to know what that is, click here). The only thing that's really important from this data is that I have an iNtuitive mode of relating to the world. In other words, I "see" connections and relationships very easily, and imagination is my strongest asset.
But the downside to this is that it's very easy for me to get caught by what I call "illusions". These are the thoughts that infect my mind for stretches of time, images of something going wrong with the car or at work causing my gut to squirm in nervousness. Sometimes they are more positive illusions (such as the thought "oh, he's cute and he likes me! If I do A, B, and C we'll live happily ever after), and sometimes they are neutral (if I finish my degree, I'll suddenly know what I want to do with my life!).
But... the thing about "illusions" are that they are intangible. They disrupt the serenity I so wildly hold on to, the tranquility I need to soothe the spastic gut and fall asleep at night. These illusions end up becoming fixations for my mind, and since I'm constantly bounding from one idea to the next related idea, the emotions associated with the ideas that I'm fixating on have a big effect on me and my interactions with the world around me.
So after twenty-three years of going through these seemingly infinite cycles, my brain has decided that it's going to learn how to slip out of the snares that these illusions create. The last few days has been an experience in letting go of the illusions.
Yes, that's right: I think that one of the ways we grow as people is to learn to let go of the illusions, of the "hopes" that we cling to and work toward with our daily existences.
No, I'm not saying that we should quit caring, that we should just give up. That won't do anything but keep us stagnant and eventually kill us. The only constant in life is change, so learning to let go of our illusions is better understood to mean "learning to change with the circumstances". Being flexible, adaptable, open to evolution in thoughts and behaviours; in other words, going with the flow.
So what are some ways that we can let go of the false hopes that keep us tied down and stressed out?
Well, the first one (and easiest one) is to set aside time out of every day to just do something fun, something that has no direct practical value. Go for a fifteen minute stroll. Doodle a cartoon or picture. Write a letter to someone you value but with whom you don't get to spend much time.
Another thing is to try to periodically take out a day here and there to turn off the phone, the computer, the television, and just spend the day doing absolutely nothing except what you feel inspired to do. Again, just be in the moment. Don't worry about scheduling "chores" or "errands" to do on your free day (that's what the rest of the week is for!). Just relax and give your mind the chance to digest all the information that's been bombarding it since the last time you just vegged out on the beach.
These things are NOT magic bullets. In themselves, they hold no power for making your life drastically better, because getting yourself out of the trap of illusions isn't some hocus-pocus, "drink this potion to restore health" type things. Hoping, clinging to illusions, is a mental habit, and like all habits, it takes time, dedication, and perseverance to alter them.
That's what the above techniques are for: they allow a space in which your brain can step back and figure things out for itself, without your intervention and demands. I don't know exactly what happens in the back rooms of the mind, but somehow, drawing a flower or taking a nap on a sunny afternoon, cooking your favorite meal for yourself or just enjoying a cup of tea allows fresh air into those musty places we rarely visit, and this breath of life allows the brain to sort through those things that make us suffer in our daily lives.
I hope that the lovely readers find something of value in here, and if not, at least some confirmation that yes, you are on the right path.
20 June 2011
Ideas (or, Opinions Are Like Well-Oiled Leashes)
So... To set up this post, I was intrigued by some comments that David Tyree (an NFL player, if you're like me and don't understand the sport past the homoeroticism) recently made when interviewed by CNN's Kyra Phillips.
Personally, I don't care for his views on the legitimization of same sex marriage, but he himself made me ponder a few things about humans and our fascination with ideas.
In Tyree's case, his idea of dichotomy(left/right, wrong/right, normal/abnormal, natural/unnatural, etc.) were amusing, they can open the discussion further. First of all, let me say something about Tyree's distinction of "natural" and "unnatural".
Something that is "natural" is necessarily "occurring in nature". Right off the bat biologists assure us that homosexual behaviour is documented in several animal species such as penguins, dolphins, dogs, and others. If two dude penguins are getting their jollies off together, I would say that it must be natural (though I'm sure Tyree would argue that they are being "unnatural";I find it amusing that sheep seem to be one of the rare animals that can have a homosexual "orientation").
All facetiousness aside, David Tyree got me to thinking about the fact that all of our thoughts are caused by biological processes. Blobs of protein are firing sparks at each other in our bodies, reporting to our brain that it's cold outside, that we're hungry, that the dude penguin over there is eying us over. All of these biological processes are naturally occurring phenomena. This means that even the things we experience and call "thoughts" and "ideas" (anyone care to define the difference for me?) have origins in natural roots. In a sense, all "ideas" are natural, and thus everything that a human thinks is natural!
This little nugget got me to thinking about how some ideas are right (gravity is a constant, fire is hot, rocks are hard), while others are not so right (women are always inferior to men, skin color determines a person's value, god is in the wind). In fact, some ideas are just plain imaginary.
But, some imaginary thoughts are useful, like counting. Although numbers are not "tangible" (when was the last time you ate a plump, juicy "4"?), the fact that they are "imaginary" allows them to be used to accomplish some really important things like engineering big buildings, vehicles, and keeping the accounting records for really big businesses so that when they try to screw us over, the accountants can sound the alarm (here the author gives a very encouraging wink toward accountants everywhere).
So, could the idea of an imaginary "natural/unnatural" dichotomy have a use like the idea of numbers? After thinking on my research on identity last semester, I would say that yes, the idea of something being "unnatural" can have a very powerful use.
In a nutshell, who we think we are, our "sense of self", comes from our observations on how people treat us. Our "sense of self", or ego, is just the thing that we experience in our day to day, the part that does the thinking and the remembering and the daydreaming and fantasizing about penguins. It, too, is just an idea, and though it is naturally occurring, calling an aspect of someone "unnatural" can really mess with a person's head, especially if being "natural" is associated with being "right", "correct", or "Special".
So, it's kinda neat that David Tyree has been recorded saying what he says. Yeah, he's a bit of a douche, but he's just doing what every human does: operate by naturally occurring ideas that govern his opinions, actions, words, and behaviours. He's being completely natural, and that, I think, is a great accomplishment for him.
In the mean time, the data he graciously gives us is a classic case study for identity theory, memetics, and biopsychological theory. Thank Hey Zeus! for bigots!
Personally, I don't care for his views on the legitimization of same sex marriage, but he himself made me ponder a few things about humans and our fascination with ideas.
In Tyree's case, his idea of dichotomy(left/right, wrong/right, normal/abnormal, natural/unnatural, etc.) were amusing, they can open the discussion further. First of all, let me say something about Tyree's distinction of "natural" and "unnatural".
Something that is "natural" is necessarily "occurring in nature". Right off the bat biologists assure us that homosexual behaviour is documented in several animal species such as penguins, dolphins, dogs, and others. If two dude penguins are getting their jollies off together, I would say that it must be natural (though I'm sure Tyree would argue that they are being "unnatural";I find it amusing that sheep seem to be one of the rare animals that can have a homosexual "orientation").
All facetiousness aside, David Tyree got me to thinking about the fact that all of our thoughts are caused by biological processes. Blobs of protein are firing sparks at each other in our bodies, reporting to our brain that it's cold outside, that we're hungry, that the dude penguin over there is eying us over. All of these biological processes are naturally occurring phenomena. This means that even the things we experience and call "thoughts" and "ideas" (anyone care to define the difference for me?) have origins in natural roots. In a sense, all "ideas" are natural, and thus everything that a human thinks is natural!
This little nugget got me to thinking about how some ideas are right (gravity is a constant, fire is hot, rocks are hard), while others are not so right (women are always inferior to men, skin color determines a person's value, god is in the wind). In fact, some ideas are just plain imaginary.
But, some imaginary thoughts are useful, like counting. Although numbers are not "tangible" (when was the last time you ate a plump, juicy "4"?), the fact that they are "imaginary" allows them to be used to accomplish some really important things like engineering big buildings, vehicles, and keeping the accounting records for really big businesses so that when they try to screw us over, the accountants can sound the alarm (here the author gives a very encouraging wink toward accountants everywhere).
So, could the idea of an imaginary "natural/unnatural" dichotomy have a use like the idea of numbers? After thinking on my research on identity last semester, I would say that yes, the idea of something being "unnatural" can have a very powerful use.
In a nutshell, who we think we are, our "sense of self", comes from our observations on how people treat us. Our "sense of self", or ego, is just the thing that we experience in our day to day, the part that does the thinking and the remembering and the daydreaming and fantasizing about penguins. It, too, is just an idea, and though it is naturally occurring, calling an aspect of someone "unnatural" can really mess with a person's head, especially if being "natural" is associated with being "right", "correct", or "Special".
So, it's kinda neat that David Tyree has been recorded saying what he says. Yeah, he's a bit of a douche, but he's just doing what every human does: operate by naturally occurring ideas that govern his opinions, actions, words, and behaviours. He's being completely natural, and that, I think, is a great accomplishment for him.
In the mean time, the data he graciously gives us is a classic case study for identity theory, memetics, and biopsychological theory. Thank Hey Zeus! for bigots!
15 June 2011
Write Write Write
Alright, so I've definitely been writing. In the past two days I've added over ten more pages to this short story, and I'm easing back into my rhythm. Getting used to a new job is overwhelming when you're an introvert, but it's nice to have writing as an outlet now. I think it will help me from over-stressing myself, which is always a danger since I throw myself into whatever it is I'm doing (note to self and others: never identify with the job you are doing. It's a job, not who you are).
But yeah, so I'm on page forty-four right now, expecting to have seven to ten more pages and then I begin to polish up the story and get it ready to send out to the lovely readers (anyone who is interested in a free story, basically).
Anyways, just wanted to report to the loyal readers who are waiting for another story and share a link that I found to be really good.
Faithless- Mass Destruction
But yeah, so I'm on page forty-four right now, expecting to have seven to ten more pages and then I begin to polish up the story and get it ready to send out to the lovely readers (anyone who is interested in a free story, basically).
Anyways, just wanted to report to the loyal readers who are waiting for another story and share a link that I found to be really good.
Faithless- Mass Destruction
13 June 2011
About That Two Week Hiatus...
So I kinda took two weeks away from blogging so that I could focus on job hunting and working on a short story (not like this blog is paying the bills...unfortunately). Thankfully, I was recently hired by a chain restaurant and expect to be gainfully employed until at least October of this year. Still not quite sure if I want to work in the kitchen long term though; I enjoy cooking good food, but on my own time, not to the pace of a high volume restaurant.
Oh well, beggars can't be choosers, eh? I reckon I'll keep looking for a more laid back job in the mean time while I continue to write and blog.
In other news...
I'm working on a short story about a young man who has to attend his grandfather's funeral and face the past he has with his family. It's been a steady progress, made doubly interesting because in writing this I'm having to face some of my hangups with my own family (or rather, with the specters of the past that I've been clinging to). It's funny how having a friendly voice can really impact a character (the main character has a boyfriend who is a rather good partner), and in writing their relationship dynamic I'm coming to understand a lot of things about my own past and present.
Admittedly, there is a lot of real life inspiration in this story, but that's what happens when the brain wants to write a cathartic short story. Issues get brought up and into the light of consciousness so that they can be processed and put down. I find that with each scene I write, the weight of the past lightens and I find myself feeling more at peace. It's enjoyably painful, the aches of growing up being a reward in themselves as I try to become a more wholesome person.
Maybe, in the end (both of the story and in life) it's all about who is standing by your side. I hope so. And I hope that it's you when that time comes.
Oh well, beggars can't be choosers, eh? I reckon I'll keep looking for a more laid back job in the mean time while I continue to write and blog.
In other news...
I'm working on a short story about a young man who has to attend his grandfather's funeral and face the past he has with his family. It's been a steady progress, made doubly interesting because in writing this I'm having to face some of my hangups with my own family (or rather, with the specters of the past that I've been clinging to). It's funny how having a friendly voice can really impact a character (the main character has a boyfriend who is a rather good partner), and in writing their relationship dynamic I'm coming to understand a lot of things about my own past and present.
Admittedly, there is a lot of real life inspiration in this story, but that's what happens when the brain wants to write a cathartic short story. Issues get brought up and into the light of consciousness so that they can be processed and put down. I find that with each scene I write, the weight of the past lightens and I find myself feeling more at peace. It's enjoyably painful, the aches of growing up being a reward in themselves as I try to become a more wholesome person.
Maybe, in the end (both of the story and in life) it's all about who is standing by your side. I hope so. And I hope that it's you when that time comes.
31 May 2011
Bartholomew Speaks
Given that a Stumbler thought that this was a personal post instead of a character sketch, I felt the need to preface this entry. THIS IS FICTION. IT IS A CHARACTER SKETCH FOR A NOVEL I AM WORKING ON.
With that said... I hope that you enjoy it. :)
-----------------------------------------------------
It's been a long day. Classes, school in the real world, that illusion of people who care and who spend their days playing their videogames, listening to their fucking hip hop and pop trash music, I'm just glad that I'm done with it, for now. I can step away from that place where they all smile at you and say "have a nice day". I know they don't mean it. They won't look me in the eyes like she did.
I step into my apartment at the Commons, enter into that place where the roommate has trashed it all over again. I just cleaned up the other day, I was so sick and tired and done with waiting for his lazy ass to pick up his empty pizza boxes. I would do to him what I did to Geoff and Neira and Julia, but he has ties to the world of illusions, the "real world" as people call it. I'm sure his parents would start to wonder why their precious son hasn't called home to let them know how he's failing out already. Didn't have it in him to put the book to his face and read for once in his pathetic life.
God. He's left his socks on the floor again. I've told him a thousand times, his stuff belongs in his bedroom. Can't he figure out how to live like a normal human being?
My room now, safe from the outside world, away from all those demands on my time and energy. I can focus on figuring out how he destroyed my Nightmare, to find what is left of my friends. I hate that I had to weave them into that darkness, make them something that would bend to my will, but it was either that or die, and I can't die just yet. I've got to find a way to bring her back, to have Julia back in my life. She was the only one who gave this existence any meaning.
The last bottle of her perfume is on my nightstand. I want to smell it again, to relive her presence, but the bottle is already halfway used... I know as soon as it's gone it will be difficult to resurrect her memory, and that's what I need if I'm going to restore her from Death.
How long has it been since she found me on that bridge with stones in my pocket? Her blue eyes pierced my soul that night, I still hear her voice in my mind, "Please don't end it. Come with me, let me show you how it isn't something to fear or run into." She found me when I was going into that darkness, she showed me how to tame that monster that followed me everywhere. Don't fear that urge, that impulse to self-destruction but rather, turn it into your best friend. Find a reason to live, even if it isn't what others tell you to believe in.
Laying on my bed, I think about that moment when I realized that any meaning I could put in life was through the people I knew, through her, and my love for her.
Why did she race ahead of me into the darkness that waits for us at the end? Why did she save me from myself just to take herself out of my life? Why did Geoff and Neira have to get in my way that night?
I don't have friends anymore. Maybe I never did. It seems that people are more useful, more alive, when they are dead. At least then their existence has meaning.
Meanwhile, people like my slob of a roommate feed their face and watch trash television, smoking their dope, completely unaware that there is another world outside themselves. Where is the meaning in that? What kind of justice is that?
Speaking of justice... That stranger, that... Aksel? Was that his name? What sort of name is that? What sort of person is he to take away my Beckoner? I had Luis right in the palm of my hand, I could feel his spirit right there in front of me. Damned world-walker, interfering, destroying Geoff and Neira's Essence. He has taken two of my friends and the piece I needed to bring Julia back.
Aksel must pay. He may have taken Luis from me, but there is still another avenue. She is quite talented. Her music was beautiful, a true Artist. I may not be able to have a Beckoner, but a Musician... There are many ways to call the spirit back, and Claire is beautiful, just like Julia.
Yes. The path always opens when you need it to.
With that said... I hope that you enjoy it. :)
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It's been a long day. Classes, school in the real world, that illusion of people who care and who spend their days playing their videogames, listening to their fucking hip hop and pop trash music, I'm just glad that I'm done with it, for now. I can step away from that place where they all smile at you and say "have a nice day". I know they don't mean it. They won't look me in the eyes like she did.
I step into my apartment at the Commons, enter into that place where the roommate has trashed it all over again. I just cleaned up the other day, I was so sick and tired and done with waiting for his lazy ass to pick up his empty pizza boxes. I would do to him what I did to Geoff and Neira and Julia, but he has ties to the world of illusions, the "real world" as people call it. I'm sure his parents would start to wonder why their precious son hasn't called home to let them know how he's failing out already. Didn't have it in him to put the book to his face and read for once in his pathetic life.
God. He's left his socks on the floor again. I've told him a thousand times, his stuff belongs in his bedroom. Can't he figure out how to live like a normal human being?
My room now, safe from the outside world, away from all those demands on my time and energy. I can focus on figuring out how he destroyed my Nightmare, to find what is left of my friends. I hate that I had to weave them into that darkness, make them something that would bend to my will, but it was either that or die, and I can't die just yet. I've got to find a way to bring her back, to have Julia back in my life. She was the only one who gave this existence any meaning.
The last bottle of her perfume is on my nightstand. I want to smell it again, to relive her presence, but the bottle is already halfway used... I know as soon as it's gone it will be difficult to resurrect her memory, and that's what I need if I'm going to restore her from Death.
How long has it been since she found me on that bridge with stones in my pocket? Her blue eyes pierced my soul that night, I still hear her voice in my mind, "Please don't end it. Come with me, let me show you how it isn't something to fear or run into." She found me when I was going into that darkness, she showed me how to tame that monster that followed me everywhere. Don't fear that urge, that impulse to self-destruction but rather, turn it into your best friend. Find a reason to live, even if it isn't what others tell you to believe in.
Laying on my bed, I think about that moment when I realized that any meaning I could put in life was through the people I knew, through her, and my love for her.
Why did she race ahead of me into the darkness that waits for us at the end? Why did she save me from myself just to take herself out of my life? Why did Geoff and Neira have to get in my way that night?
I don't have friends anymore. Maybe I never did. It seems that people are more useful, more alive, when they are dead. At least then their existence has meaning.
Meanwhile, people like my slob of a roommate feed their face and watch trash television, smoking their dope, completely unaware that there is another world outside themselves. Where is the meaning in that? What kind of justice is that?
Speaking of justice... That stranger, that... Aksel? Was that his name? What sort of name is that? What sort of person is he to take away my Beckoner? I had Luis right in the palm of my hand, I could feel his spirit right there in front of me. Damned world-walker, interfering, destroying Geoff and Neira's Essence. He has taken two of my friends and the piece I needed to bring Julia back.
Aksel must pay. He may have taken Luis from me, but there is still another avenue. She is quite talented. Her music was beautiful, a true Artist. I may not be able to have a Beckoner, but a Musician... There are many ways to call the spirit back, and Claire is beautiful, just like Julia.
Yes. The path always opens when you need it to.
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